Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.

So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating

But I still bite the inside of my mouth

I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.

Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.

my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life

Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.

richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn

“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression

*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?

This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.

I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.

Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…

[being strapped to a medieval torture table]

“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”

I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.

[coworkers chatting about me, to me]

cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰

I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.

therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?

me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me

therapist: no

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫

My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”

“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”

wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!

Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack

ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button

ADVISOR: why

ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it

Billion dollar technology idea:

A printer that works

Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.

So I’m basically a puffer fish now.

[movie theater]

Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?

Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!

Clown: [reaching for his nose]

Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please

A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.

You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink

An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.