Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.

I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.

Did a trash talking tree write this?

If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.

My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.

1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent

You’re not USELESS…

I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat

My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover

For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?

Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.

A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.

a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE

Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat

My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.

I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.

Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?

[A few hours later]

Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*

1: Can I do the cancan?

2: You mean may, not can

1: Can I do the canmay?

2: No, the first can

1: Can I do the maycan?

2: No. May I do the cancan

1: No

Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.

My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?

Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem

Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.

it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses

everyone has that one prude friend

I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.

love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind

I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial