Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[does ten push ups] I am a weapon

someone: *obvious flirt*

me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice

also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE

Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.

If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.

My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.

Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.

Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.

Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe

Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.

Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me

If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.

Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?

[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”

Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.

All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.

I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.

If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.

Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”

“There are way too many people in there.”

~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo

This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.

I have the financial security of a much, much younger man

A woman drives into a bar.

Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop

My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.

I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.

When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back