If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
You Might Also Like
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.