Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like I have something to prove here.

Judge: That’s sort of how this works.

My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.

Interviewer: Why do you want this job?

Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food

When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.

I have a bitch face but I’m a parent so it’s never resting

My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it

Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?

Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle

I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion

My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.

My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition

Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?

Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.

Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.

my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely

*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.

My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes

when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican

[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week

E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.

Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.

My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life

I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.

My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.

There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.

*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*

[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey

My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old

HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no

I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.

I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace