Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait…was it my left or your left?

-me as a surgeon

Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;

And the way I did it.

I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*

I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?

EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.

[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then

I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.

Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.

As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.

How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.

*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.

me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola

Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”

It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are

7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.

If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.

I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?

me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.

my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?

SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery

[me 3 months later]

I think he had a brewery

If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.

Life hack:

Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.

“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”

A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’

I was that kid’s first beard

also my go-to takeaway order