Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.

However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.

I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.

Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.

ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?

The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.

Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?

Me: Yes but

Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?

Me: What you have to understand is

Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”

I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.

I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”

ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.

Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.

let’s discuss

“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”

Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.

“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.

Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..

When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth

Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.

The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.

I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance

Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.

Husband: How was your day?

Me: We’re all mad here.

Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?

Me: Off with their heads!!!

Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?

Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Husband: I’m on my way home.

I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.

A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me

Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?

Me: I wanted to watch it again.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.

Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave

[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]

Interested in both term and whole life insurances.

SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger

ME: Me too, that’s also my reason

wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you