If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
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Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf