If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
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Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”