If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
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End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
car not found
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.