Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.

Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!

6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.

The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.

i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles

ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft

im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.

Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..

Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.

5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?

There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.

My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.

It made walls invisible, too.

I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher

Should have let Marvel produce 2020.

The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression

Me: I don’t think I like it here

Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point

My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.

Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —

Me: — what kind of dessert would there be

The game has officially changed 😎

Good morning.

Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?

Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.

Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.

Me: Exactly.

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?

No chance of blocking an uppercut.

“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.

Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so

Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy

For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.

Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

hate when dogs are anxious. you don’t even understand the concept of money