If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
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[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.