If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
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The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now