If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
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It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
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Expectations vs. Reality
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
always be there
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in hereMe: *pausing microwave
What?
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference