If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
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this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
can’t catch a break
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Raisins are grape jerky.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Bruh PLEASE
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]