if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
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There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
My dating profile:
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?