if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
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doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
These are too funny not to post 😂
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights