Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards

Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.

I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.

ME: Here, take my seat

EXECUTIONER: No thank you

MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.

Me when I’m ovulating

friend: how long have you had that bourbon?

me: 20 years.

friend: why don’t you just drink it?

me: drinking age is 21 dude.

Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.

Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.

REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks

I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.

I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.

This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.

Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”

Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.

took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time

My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke

My new monthly budget

Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500

If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.

Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.

Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*

Me: Is it food?

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.

[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.

If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.

I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.

I like to send homemade gifts to people.

Which one of my kids do you want?

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?