if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
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Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
if you’re a public defender named mario you have the chance to do the funniest thing ever
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator