Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.

I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.

You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.

The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.

who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?

I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.

My friend is an excellent librarian.

I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.

Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.

I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh

[Eating]

Waiter: How’s the meal?

Me: I dunno. Let me check

*pulls out phone

Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram

Waiter: …

3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch

DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs

Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher

me: raises hell

Hell: put me back down!

Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.

Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood

I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.

A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.

Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.

MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?

EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom

“What do you know about atoms?”

“Very little.”

“Besides that.”

Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.

She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?

I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.

*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs

T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6

*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*

Kids: We want a kitten!

Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?