Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.

I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.

Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?

What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.

[deciding when to tweet]

Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet

My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”

[at a party]

host: would you like a tour

me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”

Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?

Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*

A local supermarket.

A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”

The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.

I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…

After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.

I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.

Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular

apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks

An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.

I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*

I won’t say anything if you don’t.

*continues rummaging*

Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing

fly smarter, not harder

me: i just quit cold turkey

turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change

OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.

As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now

When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back

Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩

Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.

2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.

Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.

Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.

Girl: yes baby, punish me.

Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.

It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.

If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.