Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.

He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me

me: “spends hours with my favourite person”

me as soon as they leave:

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…

“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.

I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!

[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP

Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.

“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.

Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.

(10 minutes later)

My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!

. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that

Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.

Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace

Me: *writing notes* international bees only

Favourite diary entry ever

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.

CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm

GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.

Me: What am I?

4-year-old: In the way.

9yo: Who took my hair tie?

Me: I didn’t.

9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.

My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

Baking instructions should be:

Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.

NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!

My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.

my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.

A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.