Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.

Friend: What time is it?

Me: November.

I’d walk over cotton balls for you

me: [flips over]

my bed: ah the cool side of the person

until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified

Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken

Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?

ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u

Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list

takes a bite

Removes it from my grocery list

You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.

There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE

*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.

if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch

Orion’s belt? Waist of space!

This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics

Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly

Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it

Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.

“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”

Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.

[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]

“im not looking for any trouble”

all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD

cat faces on other animals, a thread

My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.

Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.