If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
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When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
The asteroid..
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Got my mate for secret Santa (guy who spends all his time grooming his beard, drinking whisky, oiling his beard, drinking beer, combing his beard, drinking coffee, and wearing novelty Star Wars clothing) and I’m stumped
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things