If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
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BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up
wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head