If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
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A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Me too
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Worst bar ever.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…