If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
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The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Today’s tshirt
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.