If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
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[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.