Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand

drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.

it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name

Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that

*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*

Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.

Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?

My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.

Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.

[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.

If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.

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Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.

Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!

#RateMyPun #LunchPun

ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*

FRIEND: Is that… pudding?

BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.

ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!

*walls fall over revealing secret lab*

Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!

We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.

Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.

isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.