If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
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Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
when unicorns get really drunk
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From