If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
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Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
they finally got him. they got macavity
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Well, that didn’t work.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT