If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
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hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
The people have spoken – if the 20th Anniversary Edition of Back to Bedlam is Number 1 next Friday, my new name will legally be…
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one