If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
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being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
oh u like geography? name every lake
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Stonehinge
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now