If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
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[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
time for some seasonal decor
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a 10, but imaginary
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
