If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
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“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
knights of the ikea table
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
This squirrel eats better than I do
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.