If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
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Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
prepare for carbonated trouble
