If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
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Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!