If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
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Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
Went in my local the other day, new barman very smiley and chatty I ordered a pint and a vodka tonic for my wife, he smiled and asked ‘single?’ I replied sorry mate I’m married, he said I meant double or single vodka pal. Got to find a new local.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Verizon: your online bill is ready
Me: ok. for what
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
DEESCALATE is the perfect word to yell to escalate any situation.