If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
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My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid
holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.