If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
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Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches