If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
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i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?