If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
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Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
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Me: Same
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.
HERE’S MARKY
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.