Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now

I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.

Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.

someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me

me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all

therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood

me: one sec

Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.

Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”

Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”

witch: what do u need?

me: a spell to make my dad proud

dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

What a chick magnet..

“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”

When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…

Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.

Find yourself some cake.

8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?

Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace

[first day at pet store]

me: you want this boxed?

her: you can’t box a goldfish

me: [lacing up gloves] watch me

Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?

When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?

… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?

My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.

I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”

They should invent clothes that get fat with you

Earth Day…

…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!

Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.

I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.

2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.