Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room

[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?

DATE: The worst night of my life

ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail

10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny

Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression

Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-

Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE

I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.

Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight

Narrator: He did not play his cards right

I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.

it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes

About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.

I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.

recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam

Wife: *asks question*

Me: *gives answer*

Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…

I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.

angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower

Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW

*first date*

Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉

Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years

Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?

“Check engine”

Yep, it’s still there.

It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…

Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”

– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb

You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.

The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.

There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler