If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
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I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
how was your vacation
“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
He’s cranky this morning
