If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
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My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Lmao
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
