Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me

4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube

my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET

Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad

Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi

[my first attempt at standup]

ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…

MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t

Me: I need to get something off my chest

My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME

me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg

me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie

My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.

Me: I wish I never had to go outside

Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things

A man of commitment.

I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”

Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.

While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.

– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.

I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.

Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt

Me: safety first 🙂

Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*

Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?

Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–

Adults: ITS THE PHONES

there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

[first day in hell]

Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!

Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing

Satan: HAHAH- what?

Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy

Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?

The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time

“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

“Ok, same difference.”

*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.

[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*

To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time same place