Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants

sometimes i miss this memes

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.

Please don’t cry

Seeing your tears makes me have to pee

“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.

[AA meeting]

Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist

Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?

M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…

Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?

It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it

*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*

“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”

Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.

It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are

My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*

The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.

I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake

Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.

When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.

*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*

Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂

I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.

Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”

Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.

First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”

Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”

AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!

[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]

Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?

the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark