Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy

If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.

My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.

People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.

sneezy geese carry a honkerchief

8: What’s this music?

Me: The Ramones, do you like it?

8: No, it sounds too easy to do.

Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?

A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does

ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!

My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.

[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]

me: clever girl

velociraptor: what

me: …clever girl

velociraptor: I’m 26

me: sorry I-

velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here

People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?

pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?

saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?

me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

me: *swallows another quarter* no

I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!

Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*

Neighbor: how was your quarantine?

Me: quarantine?

So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕

What’s the opposite of coffee?

Sneezy.

I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.

*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*

◾️

Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.

Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.

You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.

Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.

I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv

To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere

Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

It’s an epidemic…