if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
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I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger