If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
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My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
