If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
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In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
