If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
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My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
This sounds bad:
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.