If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
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Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Multitask? I can barely unitask
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”