Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean

People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.

Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies

[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready

I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic

I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.

Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.

If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.

How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.

There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping

worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.

I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

My whole life was a lie.

When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.

Nobody puts baby in a corndog.

I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.

#LunchPun

My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.

My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.

I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.

Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.

As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.

Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?

We do, now.

(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)

“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”

— how the worm got its name

Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.

Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…