If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
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If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.