Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.

You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

Feel. He’s so soft.

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”

this is from a book called the bible

Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”

My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.

Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”

My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.

Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…

Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date

Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.

“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube

Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.

Therapist: why’s that?

Me: I got a dog.

Have donuts and coffee, will travel.

People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.

Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?

Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.

So sick of all these stupid rules

Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT

COP: Know why I stopped you?

“Drag racing?”

COP: Nope.

“Speeding?”

COP: Definitely not.

“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”

COP: That’s the one.

I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.

I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast

Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.

I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.

TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.

Alas, this is not so.

I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite

Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.

[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]

Interested in both term and whole life insurances.

Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair

2024 has been a rough few years

A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape

A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.