Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?

*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*

Other people: I should put that back where it belongs

Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it

“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine

Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.

looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition

Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.

Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?

N: So?

M: So, I can’t help you.

Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?

THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.

[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*

Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”

[during sex]

ME: I’m Italian, how about you?

HER: Finnish

ME: Ok sure just give me a second

My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all

Plant care tips

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.

*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*

Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.

I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.

Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell

sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.

You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.

ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?

DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no

Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.

Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.

MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?

EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom

So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.

I’m really not seeing the down side here.

Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.