Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.

If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.

[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

If you love something, set it free.

(Does not apply to ferrets.)*

*I am no longer allowed on the subway.

Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”

But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”

Hypocrites.

*grilled cheese

cheese: i want a lawyer

Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?

Me: Yes, Your Majesty.

Judge: Your Honor.

Me: Oh, Thank you….

Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.

Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?

1: GENIUS!

discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me

Want followers? Tweet something funny.

Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.

Can’t say anything honest or funny?

Try Facebook.

There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.

I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.

LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.

How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling

Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat

Exec: not convinced

Writer: they’re mutants?

Exec: it needs to appeal to kids

Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists

Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?

Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!

You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?

Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.

Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?

Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.

Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.

My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.

Me: When the edibles kick in

Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif

Me: Exactly

Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.

Wife: You should shake it out.

Me: Why would I want to do that?

*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*

My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.

Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.

me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}

Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?