If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
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Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.