If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
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“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
a badder mouse
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.