If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
You Might Also Like
I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.