If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
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Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Bruh 😂
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.