If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
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I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Tier 3 meme
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.