Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to

when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4

A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”

*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.

judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever

jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam

judas: yo what the f

Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.

Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t

I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.

I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle

i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?

I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.

Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..

Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.

*Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals

Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.

After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.

I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.

It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…

her: kids grow up so fast these days

me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers

her: exactly!

me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them

Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were

The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.

I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.

I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags

Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do

If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass

Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!

Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.

I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?