Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.

SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.

*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*

Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there

I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.

So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.

Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.

Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.

I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.

I often wonder who Pete is…

and why we do things for his sake…

Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES

SE: -on your sandwich?

ME: FIXER PUPPER

I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!

never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome

eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house

this is the most cat thing ive ever seen

the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks

When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”

Friend: wow you can actually sing!

Me at 2 beers: lol stfu

Me at 9 beers: we are a band now

Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.

I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.

There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!

Me: It’s Tuesday.

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!

therapist: what do you see

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see. and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

[Funeral]

Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today

Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.

Taliband

Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?

Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.