If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
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ME:
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ME:
ME:
ME:
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ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.