Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.

What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.

Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff

Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.

Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.

I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’

It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.

I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.

Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.

Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America

Ain’t no mountain high enough

Ain’t no valley low enough

Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough

To keep me from yooou

COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.

ME: You mean, don’t take?

COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.

Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air

everyone: [puts hands up]

me: [already mad with power] one hop this time

[after a zombie encounter]

me: you gotta shoot me

friend: but what if we find a cure

me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please

Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.

I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.

SON: I need lunch money.

DAD: Get a job.

SON: I’m in 5th grade-

DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.

God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.

Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?

“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg

disney ceo: live action little mermaid

animator: yep

ceo: it’s in the ocean

animator: got it

ceo: coral reefs

animator: understood

ceo: lots of fish

animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?

*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]

This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.

My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.

My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.

An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!

[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]

neighbor: hey there

me: greetums

villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit

watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed