If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
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Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?