I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
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There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
The Others (2001)
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.