If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
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Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
how do y’all walk in shallow water
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.