If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
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yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.