If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
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Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
My blood type is coffee.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
thinking about this
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:
“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”