If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
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Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.
Every work meeting this week
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.