If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
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Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.