If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.
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**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!