If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.
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Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
TSA agent just said the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.
“Keep track of your gifts. Don’t want Santa’s elves to take your toys back to the North Pole”.
The elves wouldn’t do that. That’s not what they do.
Don’t touch me.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT