If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.
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[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?