Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time

#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane

Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples

Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt

Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.

Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.

Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.

Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat

I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.

You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”

20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.

30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.

40s: What thread count are your sheets?

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.

ROMANTIC WATER.

💀💀

‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage

Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks

*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”

Kid: Are you the babysitter?

Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!

Kid: *horrified*

Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*

Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.

Me: *starts another book while I wait*

*two hours later*

Libby app: Your hold is ready.

I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see

SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then

Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying

The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.

[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”

[walking into Sephora]

me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.

my husband: I’m right here you know