Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch

age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks

Me: this movie sucks

Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!

Alligators can live for up to 100 years.

So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”

[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

I am also baked goods

Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.

Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-

Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.

Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls

Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.

My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.

A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy

Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen

It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”

It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.

A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet

Santa: *deep sigh*

Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Covid?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?

S: *nods vigorously*

[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?

yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas

I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd

“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.

I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me

I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.

A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.