Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.

DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!

me: we named you after our favorite films

paul blart: i hate you

wife: you should be proud of your names

paul blart 2: you’re monsters

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.

boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.

me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?

boss: yes of course but this is-

me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?

boss: -a funeral home.

“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”

The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser

When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage

I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one

*falls from grace*

PARKOUR!

I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”

Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.

In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.

until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified

I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.

No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.

but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time

When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe

A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good

Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?

Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.

Me: And?

Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.

Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.

A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!

I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.

my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo

You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.

The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.