If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
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dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?