Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lunatics are gonna loon.

me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?

murderer: yeah sure sorry

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.

The Times are rough.

PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet

[i look out the window]

[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]

*walks into interview*

Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.

*walks out of interview*

You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.

*reads your timeline*

Or maybe not

Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?

It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.

That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.

Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.

I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal

Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”

Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?

I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.

We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.

“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”

THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???

Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.

I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.

I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed

Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to

This is my emotional support chloroform rag

The key to a clean house is dim lighting.

Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough

NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show

This time of year it’s either lazy starvation or eight thousand calories in one sitting

Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.

Would you like the feathers too?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes