If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
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Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me