If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
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somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)