If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
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Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
Tis the season where I eat and drink everything in sight and am then shocked and dismayed when my pants are too tight.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?