Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.

That is why I don’t flirt

The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.

It was super cute.

Then the pig threw up all over her.

Considerably less cute.

I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.

“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now

A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr

Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.

Someone: how are you?

Me: thanks, you too.

You better wish for more oil

Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”

That’s it. I’m done with people.

Me: can you spell wonton backwards?

Friend: not now !

My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.

wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.

*pronounces patio like ratio

If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.

🙅🏻

Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.

My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.

Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.

And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.

[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road

It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.

*Struts like a peacock*

I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep

Cw – it was 10 minutes long!

Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper

By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.

dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’

My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.

Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.