If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
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Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
I was just discussing this with my cat
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
I don’t wanna brag, but I remember 2024 like it was yesterday
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest