Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.

Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.

Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?

*returns tent to Target*

CASHIER: What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent

Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019

Choose your fighter!

Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.

I need sex to help my sex life, not food.

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.

What do you call a monkey in a mine field?

A babooom!

I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”

Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.

Husband: How short?

Me:

Husband: HOW SHORT?!

If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.

me: *emerging from a ten year coma*

dad: well look who finally got up

me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!

my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami

DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.

Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.

i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane

So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.

zombie kid: why am i being punished

zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar

My Guy

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.

My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun

My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.

I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.

I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.

I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.

I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.