Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[arguing with my wife]

WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH

Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.

BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!

WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.

What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck

[Flirting]

I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.

Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster

‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people

Please be aware that while my posts are largely based on true events, some have had squirrels added for dramatic purposes.

I’m definitely a ten

…tative 4

Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?

[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”

Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.

Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no

Fighting on twitter be like 🤣

Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?

Please tell me I’m not alone on this.

I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along

“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born

“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes

SPLOOT

[Audition for the musical Cats]

Director: Act like a cat for me

Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you

Director: Perfect

waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good

I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York