Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!

😎 🍻

If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.

I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.

She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore

And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony

me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met

her:

me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape

[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”

[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT

Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.

[walking on beach]

[find bottle with message in it]

Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?

[another bottle with message washes against my feet]

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels

[later]

SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit

[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have

Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.

I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.

If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.

everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)

In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.

5: I’m bad at this puzzle

Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!

5: yeah, because you’re bad at it

Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?

3-year-old: Babies are jerks.

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?

Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.

I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!

Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!